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16 Funny Quotes to Start Your Next Business Presentation

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John Brandon is a contributing editor at Inc. magazine covering technology. He writes the Tech Report column for Inc.com.
Contributing editor, Inc.com@jmbrandonbb
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Scrambling to create a business presentation? Here's a tip. Start with a slide showing a series of funny quotes just to warm up the room. It makes people realize your talk is not going to be a total borefest and you plan to keep things lively. Here are my favorite quips that you can borrow--just cut and paste the ones you like into your slides.
1. "Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes." Dave Barry
2. "Eagles soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines." Steven Wright
3. "I don't want yes-men around me. I want everyone to tell the truth, even if it costs them their jobs." Samuel Goldwyn
4. "Right now, this is a job. If I advance any higher, this would be my career. And if this were my career, I'd have to throw myself in front of a train." Jim Halpert, The Office
5. "It's much easier for me to make major life, multimillion-dollar decisions than it is to decide on a carpet for my front porch. That's the truth." Oprah Winfrey
6. "Success in almost any field depends more on energy and drive than it does on intelligence. This explains why we have so many stupid leaders." Sloan Wilson
7. "The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts." Anonymous
8. "The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one." Oscar Wilde
9. "Few great men would have got past personnel." Paul Goodman
10. "The key to being a good manager is keeping the people who hate you away from those who are still undecided." Casey Stengel
11. "The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management." Scott Adams (Dilbert)
12. "Every time you feel yourself being pulled into other people's drama, repeat these word: Not my circus, not my monkeys." Polish Proverb
13. "My boss doesn't believe that money equals happiness. So instead of raises, he gives us Prozac.(depression medicine)" JokeQuote.com
14. "Being powerful is like being a lady. If you have to tell people you are, you aren't." Margaret Thatcher
15. "Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men--the other 999 follow women." Groucho Marx
16. "If I had asked people what they wanted, they would have said faster horses." Attributed to Henry Ford
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