Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally put gin in the steam iron.
His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.