Blog Archive

The Solution to Complaining


There are two things you can do when you feel the need to complain. One is to cultivate an attitude of gratitude. That is, when you feel like complaining, shift your attention to something that you're grateful for. Taking time to contemplate what you're grateful for isn't merely the right thing to do; it reduces the stress hormone cortisol by 23%. Research conducted at the University of California, Davis, found that people who worked daily to cultivate an attitude of gratitude experienced improved mood and energy and substantially less anxiety due to lower cortisol levels. Any time you experience negative or pessimistic thoughts, use this as a cue to shift gears and to think about something positive. In time, a positive attitude will become a way of life.

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The second thing you can do—and only when you have something that is truly worth complaining about—is to engage in solution-oriented complaining. Think of it as complaining with a purpose. Solution-oriented complaining should do the following:
  1. Have a clear purpose. Before complaining, know what outcome you're looking for. If you can't identify a purpose, there's a good chance you just want to complain for its own sake, and that's the kind of complaining you should nip in the bud.
  2. Start with something positive. It may seem counterintuitive to start a complaint with a compliment, but starting with a positive helps keep the other person from getting defensive. For example, before launching into a complaint about poor customer service, you could say something like, "I've been a customer for a very long time and have always been thrilled with your service..."
  3. Be specific. When you're complaining it's not a good time to dredge up every minor annoyance from the past 20 years. Just address the current situation and be as specific as possible. Instead of saying, "Your employee was rude to me," describe specifically what the employee did that seemed rude.
  4. End on a positive. If you end your complaint with, "I'm never shopping here again," the person who's listening has no motivation to act on your complaint. In that case, you're just venting, or complaining with no purpose other than to complain. Instead, restate your purpose, as well as your hope that the desired result can be achieved, for example, "I'd like to work this out so that we can keep our business relationship intact."
Bringing It All Together
Just like smoking, drinking too much, and lying on the couch watching TV all day, complaining is bad for you. Put my advice to use, and you'll reap the physical, mental, and performance benefits that come with a positive frame of mind.
AUTHOR: Dr. Travis Bradberry is the award-winning coauthor of Emotional Intelligence 2.0 and the cofounder of TalentSmart®  - Picture Source
 

10 Stupid Office Rules That Make Good People Quit

10 Stupid Rules That Make Good People Quit

10 Stupid Rules That Make Good People Quit

By Dr. Travis Bradberry
It's tough to hold on to good employees, but it shouldn't be. Most of the mistakes that companies make are easily avoided. When you do make mistakes, your best employees are the first to go, because they have the most options.
If you can't keep your best employees engaged, you can't keep your best employees. While this should be common sense, it isn't common enough. Companies need to have rules—that's a given—but they don't have to be foolish and lazy attempts at creating order.
I understand the temptation. As my company has grown, so has our difficulty maintaining standards. There have been many instances where someone crossed a line, and we were tempted to respond with a new rule that applied to everyone.
But that's where most companies blow it.
In just about every instance, upon closer inspection, we realized that establishing a new rule would be a passive and morale-killing way to address the problem. The vast majority of the time, the problem needs to be handled one-on-one by the employee's manager.
When companies create ridiculous and demoralizing rules to halt the outlandish behavior of a few individuals, it's a management problem. There's no sense in alienating your entire workforce because you don't know how to manage performance. It makes a bad situation that much worse.
Let's explore some of the worst rules that companies create when they fall into this trap and see if we can't influence people to think differently about making rules in the workplace.
 
1. The six-month rule. Most companies won't let you transfer or get promoted until you've held a position for six months. This rule harms the company and the employee by holding people in roles that they're not suited for. Companies might have gotten away with this rule when our parents were entering the workforce, but these days good people are more likely to jump ship, rather than wait around for some arbitrary rule to kick in.
An employee's manager should have the freedom to decide when an employee is ready for a promotion or would perform better in a different role.
 
2. Ridiculous requirements for attendance, leave, and time off. People are salaried for the work they do, not the specific hours they sit at their desks. When you ding salaried employees for showing up five minutes late even though they routinely stay late and put in time on the weekend, you send the message that policies take precedence over performance. It reeks of distrust, and you should never put someone on salary that you don't trust.
When companies are unnecessarily strict in requiring documentation for bereavement and medical leave, it leaves a sour taste in the mouths of employees who deserve better. After all, if you have employees who will fake a death to miss a day's work, what does that say about your company?
 
3. Shutting down self-expression. Many organizations control what people can have at their desks. A life-size poster of a shirtless Fabio? I get it; that's a problem. But employers dictate how many photographs people can display, whether or not they can use a water bottle, and how many items they're allowed to place on their desks. Once again, it's the ol' "If I could just hire robots I wouldn't have this problem" approach.
Same goes for dress codes. They work well in private high schools, but they're unnecessary at work. Hire professionals and they'll dress professionally. When someone crosses the line, their manager needs to have the skill to address the issue directly. Otherwise, you're making everyone wish they worked somewhere else because management is too inept to handle touchy subjects effectively.
 
4. Restricting internet use. There are certain sites that no one should be visiting at work, and I'm not talking about Facebook. But once you block pornography and the other obvious stuff, it's a difficult and arbitrary process deciding where to draw the line.
Most companies draw it in the wrong place.
People should be able to kill time on the Internet during breaks. When companies unnecessarily restrict people's Internet activity, it does more than demoralize those that can't check Facebook; it limits people's ability to do their jobs. Many companies restrict Internet activity so heavily that it makes it difficult for people to do online research. The most obvious example? Checking the Facebook profile of someone you just interviewed.
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5. Bell curves and forced rankings of performance. Some individual talents follow a natural bell-shaped curve, but job performance does not. When you force employees to fit into a pre-determined ranking system, you do three things: 1) incorrectly evaluate people's performance, 2) make everyone feel like a number, and 3) create insecurity and dissatisfaction when performing employees fear that they'll be fired due to the forced system. This is yet another example of a lazy policy that avoids the hard and necessary work of evaluating each individual objectively, based on his or her merits.
 
6. Banning mobile phones. If I ban mobile phones in the office, no one will waste time texting and talking to family and friends, right? Ya, right. Organizations need to do the difficult work of hiring people who are trustworthy and who won't take advantage of things. They also need to train managers to deal effectively with employees who underperform and/or violate expectations (such as spending too much time on their phones). This is also hard work, but it's worth it. The easy, knee-jerk alternative (banning phones) demoralizes good employees who need to check their phones periodically due to pressing family or health issues or as an appropriate break from work.
 
7. Stealing employees' frequent-flyer miles. If there's one thing that road-weary traveling employees earn, it's their frequent flier miles. When employers don't let people keep their miles for personal use, it's a greedy move that fuels resentment with every flight. Work travel is a major sacrifice of time, energy, and sanity. Taking employees' miles sends the message that you don't appreciate their sacrifice and that you'll hold on to every last dollar at their expense.
 
8. Draconian e-mail policies. This is a newer one that's already moving down a slippery slope. Some companies are getting so restrictive with e-mail use that employees must select from a list of pre-approved topics before the e-mail software will allow them to send a message.
Again, it's about trust. If you don't trust your people to use e-mail properly, why did you hire them in the first place? In trying to rein in the bad guys, you make everyone miserable every time they send an e-mail. And guess what? The bad guys are the ones who will find ways to get around any system you put in place.
 
9. Limiting bathroom breaks. If you're going to limit people's trips to the bathroom, you might as well come out and tell them that you wish they were a bunch of robots. When you limit basic personal freedoms by counting people's trips to the bathroom, they start counting their days at the company. The day you have to bring in a doctor's note to prove that you warrant additional trips to the bathroom is the day you need to find another job.
 
10. Pathetic attempts at political correctness. Maintaining high standards for how people treat each other is a wonderful thing as we live in a world that's rife with animosity and discrimination. Still employers have to know where to draw the line. Going on a witch-hunt because someone says "Bless you" to another employee that sneezed (real example) creates an environment of paranoia and stifled self-expression, without improving how people treat each other.
 
Bringing It All Together
If companies can rethink their policies and remove or alter those that are unnecessary or demoralizing, we'll all have a more enjoyable and productive time at work.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
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Dr. Travis Bradberry is the award-winning coauthor of Emotional Intelligence 2.0 and the cofounder of TalentSmart®
 

A Quick Guide to Career-Enhancing Social Behavior at Work

Social behavior at work
Do you socialize with others in your workplace? Since you can spend as much as 33 percent of your life at the office, it’s likely that you’ll see your co-workers as much as your loved ones. Regardless of how business-focused you strive to be, it’s inevitable that you’ll eventually engage in some socializing through work.

So, you might be wondering what the rules are regarding friendships and dating in the workplace. What are the boundaries?

Consider these facts if you want to successfully engage in social behavior at work:

1. Your ability to socialize matters. Being social and friendly to your co-workers is highly rated by most supervisors. As a supervisor, it’s reassuring to know that your employees get along well. This makes the work environment a happier place.

2. Your treatment of co-workers matters. Treat others the way you want to be treated. It makes life easier if we’re kind and willing to offer assistance to others, especially at work. This is the foundation of teamwork.

3. Strive to be helpful. A smart way to conduct yourself at the office is to demonstrate that you’re willing to lend a hand to your co-workers.

4. The research is relevant. There are two types of employees. There are the “all-business” ones who like to work alone instead of with a team, and the “polite” employees who are social and helpful to co-workers. Research has found that prospective employers preferred to hire the “polite” applicants.
  • According to the Psychology Today website, the “polite” applicant would be offered, on average, $130 more starting salary per month than the “all-business” applicant.

5. Recognize that meetings provide a chance to socialize. When you work with others in a professional setting, it’s common to attend meetings. The time before and after meetings can be peak opportunities for some career socializing.
  • Use the downtime before, during, and after meetings to carefully choose how you’ll take part in social exchanges. Show friendly interest in others during these times. It’s best to avoid gossiping or too much non-work chatting.
  • When your goal is to be friendly, helpful, and productive, you’ll have an idea of when to partake in or avoid certain conversations.

6. Have healthy personal boundaries. It’s important to create boundaries with those you work with. Avoid getting involved in questionable interactions.
  • Getting overly friendly with a co-worker or using work time as a replacement for your social life are behaviors to avoid at the office. Concentrate on being helpful and hard-working, as opposed to establishing close personal relationships, if you want to get ahead in your career.
  • Avoid dating someone in your immediate work environment. Even though it sounds like a good idea now, you have to consider the possibility of a break up. You’ll have to see your ex at work each day and it can become awkward for everyone. Tread carefully!

7. Avoid taking part in snarky, sarcastic, or angry exchanges. The only way to come out of any of these conversations looking competent is to avoid taking part in them altogether.
  • Distance yourself from these situations unless you believe you can swiftly and effectively quell the behavior by identifying common ground or diverting the topic of discussion.

To get the most out of your job, it’s wise to know about how your social behavior can help you get ahead professionally. The more polite, helpful, and cheerful you are to those around you, the more abundant your own life will be. Allow yourself to blossom socially at work and achieve greater success at the office.
Source: A Quick Guide to Career-Enhancing Social Behavior at Work

The Complete Guide to Staying Confident in a Competitive Workplace

The Complete Guide to Staying Confident in a Competitive Workplace

As far as the workplace is concerned, times are certainly changing. You’re no longer confined to a dedicated workspace with specific duties. The employees who are treasured are the ones who contribute the most to the organization.

With less jobs available these days, you have to work harder in order to keep yours. And that includes staying on top of your game in a competitive workplace.

But that’s sometimes easier said than done. And that’s because you may not be as confident in your abilities. It could also be that you’re unsure if you deserve consideration over someone else.

Put all of that self-doubt behind you! That way, you won’t have to worry about losing out on opportunities.

Try these techniques to stay confident on the job:

1. Keep your skills current. Stay current on all certifications and highlight your on-going achievements. When you keep your skills current, they can serve as your face of confidence. It puts you on a level playing field or even above everybody else.
  • Now you just need to show why you’re a step above the competition!
  • In most fields, there are usually mini-courses that can help you earn a more recognized certification.
  • Consult your company’s newsletter. This helps you see the plans that are underway. With that knowledge, you can start to learn specialized skills that may be needed in the future.
2. Volunteer for the unpopular jobs. Everybody is eager to go after the popular jobs that get a lot of attention. Sure, you can join the gang and do the same. But it’s also a good idea to go after the unpopular ones.
  • You never know who’s watching! While everybody’s eyes are on the prized jobs, there may be one scout watching over the unpopular jobs. Let that scout see you handling things effectively.
  • You may end up gaining additional skill sets just by going after something off the radar.
3. A little gloating doesn’t hurt. If you’ve done something worth recognition, it doesn’t hurt to point it out. Certainly, you don’t want to be tooting your own horn all day, but a little goes a long way.
  • In a team effort, certainly everyone’s contribution should be highlighted. If you aren’t recognized on a project, find a creative way to get the word out about your personal contribution.
4. Put your strengths on display. You might be hired as an account executive, but you could have great accounting skills. They won’t know until you tell them!
  • On occasion, you can send an email to your department head. Advise them of your availability to assist on a project unrelated to your field. That’s a subtle way to say, “Hey, I’m good at this, too!”
  • Volunteer for projects whenever possible. Be sure that you have the skill sets needed to do an effective job. The company always takes note of skills on display, especially at a crucial time for the business.
  • If you know you have an innate skill that sets you apart from everybody else, show it!
5. Give 100% effort. Even when you’re not feeling confident, give it everything you have. The effort you put into your job displays commitment and interest in the company.
So as you see,

…staying confident in a competitive workplace isn’t that difficult.

Rely on your natural abilities. They can definitely speak for themselves if you give them a voice! By following these guidelines, you can rest assured that you’ll stand out and make a lasting impression at your workplace.

Source: The Complete Guide to Staying Confident in a Competitive Workplace

Success in Less Time

 
Many times you're actually much closer to achieving your goals and dreams. Many people also promise themselves or start successful but just a few months down the line, they burn out and give up, because they think it is hard to achieve any success in life.
 
That is because HABITS are a thousand times more powerful than your PLANS. Unsuccessful people have habit to drop. Success is habit with certain people. If you don't change your habits,  then you won't change your future!

There are GOOD news, is that there are many different ways to change the habits that will lead you to success, wealth, good health, and abundance.

MOTIVATION is Great, But Not Enough on Its Own - motivation doesn't last for long time. Like taking bath, you'll need motivation EVERY SINGLE DAY for it to be effective. Missing your daily dose can set you back dramatically to the original point. And even if you DO get your daily dose of motivation, without the proper practical guidance, by itself it's not enough to achieve any long-term success. In Motivation You have to be a lifelong commitment of learning, acting, and adjusting – and for most of us, that's time we just don't have.

WILLPOWER - Sounds Good, But Depend– will power has a sketchy success rate at best. - willpower means you're basically fighting against yourself. In other words, your conscious mind comes into conflict with your UNCONSCIOUS mind And when you're in conflict, you achieve nothing.
 
MEDITATION HYPNOSIS - By Far the Fastest, Most Effective Path to Success
This has surprisingly successful results. It works by re-shaping your UNCONSCIOUS mind. Hypnotism gets rid of those bad habits and distractions that hold you back from achieving your goals, and help you focus ONLY on the beliefs, situations, actions, and decisions that move you closer to success with every step you take. Hypnotism works almost INSTANTLY, and its positive effects last your entire life. you'll achieve much more in much less time! It's a faster, easier, and definitely cheaper way to reap the benefits of hypnosis, and apply it to all areas of your life.
 
You can win over your any habit – drinking – smoking – food intake – wrong behavior or any dam thing. And practice any good behavior which you are not able to get through.
Picture source

Thoughts in Solitude

Thoughts in Solitude thumbnail
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Thomas Merton
Ask me not where I live or what I like to eat…. Ask me what I am living for and what I think is keeping me from living fully that….
Words stand between silence and silence: between the silence of things and the silence of our own being. Between the silence of the world and the silence of God. When we have really met and known the world in silence, words do not separate us from the world nor from other men, nor from God, nor from ourselves because we no longer trust entirely in language to contain reality….
The spiritual life is first of all a life. It is not merely something to be known and studied, it is to be lived….
The only thing to seek in contemplative prayer is God; and we seek Him successfully when we realize that we cannot find Him unless we have a pursuit of finding him yet at the same time that He would not have inspired us to seek Him unless we had already found Him….
There is no greater disaster in the spiritual life than to be immersed in unreality, for life is maintained and nourished in us by our vital relation with realities outside and above us….
My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything APART from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it. Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.
From Thoughts in Solitude (1956)

Feeling Inferior and Jealous!



Many always keep on comparing themselves to others who are doing well and feel so feel themselves discouraged.
These thoughts can become obsessive and of course this gets in the way of positive personal development. What is the nature of jealousy and how do we eliminate it? ” Ok, so first of all: Jealousy of others (Envy) is a very common personal issue and a lot of people are struggling with it.
Why Do one Compare to Others? - It is the fear of inferiority. Feeling inferior or inadequate is really hard to tolerate, so we do anything to check if there is a slight chance of being inadequate.  This is more likely to be the inability to accept that someone else is better. If you are comparing this would mean the other person is superior to you, and therefore you are inferior.
But all this is inner confusion. - What does that mean? It means that you realize on a deep level that you can’t possibly be inferior. You Are Enough: “At the core, we are all equal. Nobody is more worthy than somebody else. This is the truth.” You are a unique human individual and have the same essential rights as everybody else. You just need to recognize this truth inside of yourself and trust yourself on it.
If you really have habit of comparing yourself all the time, Change both your physical and mental state.

In order to break out of the cycle of comparing and envy, you need to focus on yourself again. You need to find your own strengths. - what is right for you. What fulfills you and makes you happy? What are your personal goals? How can you grow? Where do you excel and shine as a human being?
 
Then you create your own compass to guide you. You don’t need any external approval anymore. If you start living on your own terms like this, you develop this inner strength and comparing yourself won’t feel even necessary any more. Be proud of yourself. What did you do right? Where did you get complimented on?
 
Truly wealthy is not who has all the things but who is content with what she/he has. The emotion of gratitude makes room for new things to come into your life. That doesn’t mean that you will suppress your desire to get ahead. But you want to appreciate what you already have. Simplify your life to become more content.
 
You have to bring up the courage to develop your own, individual potential. this only would confirm that you are best. Almost everything can change and sometimes it’s just the act of allowing yourself to change. The moment you start, you’ll discover that the reality looks much better than you thought it to be.
 
Use jealousy for yourself to grow. Use any negative emotional energy as an inspiration and transform it into positive drive for change.

Instead of saying this is who I am and then feeling bad about it, think about where you want to be and start to grow into this direction. Jealousy only happens if you buy into the idea that you can’t change anything. So get inspired and go.
 
You can also just enjoy that someone else is doing great too. A mature human being is able to acknowledge the successes of others and even enjoy them. If you follow your own goals and successes and do the best you can to – for yourself – then this is giving you the basis for inner contentment. Then you can shine and let others shine too.
This encourages you to just live your own life, and not look at what others are doing.
 

The Value Of Optimism

 

When faced with problems it can seem difficult to maintain inner cheer, the mind gets caught up with more and more negativity, fear or worry. Because of this, the problem seems bigger than it is and we lose the ability to find solutions and work constructively.
The first step I need to take when I recognise a problem is to smile to myself. When I make sure I am happy within, I know that every situation will pass and has something to teach me. Then I will find solutions come more quickly and easily.

How to Deal with Rejection in Any Situation

Cyanide and Happiness on rejection

Imagine this situation: You just finish a job interview and seemed to have aced the interview. You took two weeks to prepare for the interview, and you made sure you had slick, impressive answers ready for any possible question. Your résumé took hours to get perfect. You are going to get this job.

A long week later, the phone rings. Your stomach is in knots. Almost breathless with excitement, you pick up. “We’re sorry,” an unsympathetic voice tells you. “The position is filled.”
How do you feel? Probably crushed. Anger and confusion pulse through you. You wonder what the person who got the job has that you don’t – perhaps they interviewed better than you, they had more experience, or perhaps you did something horribly wrong. You might respond with venom. “I never really wanted that job, anyway.” Or you mind find yourself feeling depressed and de-motivated…if you can’t even get a job you pour your heart into, what hope is there for your future?

Change the scenario to sales and the same pain plays out. Rejection is painful in its many forms. A romantic partner has probably left you, or you didn’t get a job. Less obvious situations can trigger feelings of rejection; a friend cancelling on your dinner date at the last minute, a store clerk who doesn’t return your smile, the party you weren’t invited to. Rejection can sting.

Rejection is About Shame

John Bradshaw in his book Healing the Shame That Binds You, argues that we all carry around the idea that we are inherently flawed and inferior. He calls it a sense of shame. The shame can perpetuate by retaining a burden of sin in religion and the media giving us ideals that are almost impossible to live up to. Rejection stabs at our core, because we are social beings, and by our nature we obsess with what people think about us.
You learned about the world around you by asking other people when you were a child. If your teacher pointed to a new object and told you it was rhinoceros, then that’s what it was. Our knowledge about ourselves mostly comes from other people. We “learn” we are great or inferior based on how others treat us. Rejection tells us what we fear on the inside: we are flawed, defective, and unlovable.
Emotions are a form of energy in motion. They signal us of a loss, a threat or a satiation. Sadness is about losing something we cherish. Anger and fear are signal of actual or impending threats to our well-being. Joy signals that we are fulfilled and satisfied. Whenever a child is shamed through some form of abandonment, feelings of anger, hurt and sadness arise. Since shame-based parents are shame bound in all their emotions, they cannot tolerate their children’s emotions. Therefore, they shame their children’s emotions. When their emotions are shamed, children numb out, so they don’t feel their emotions.John Bradshaw
Rejection is inevitable. It is impossible to always get exactly what you want, for everybody to behave exactly as you want them to. What can you do to stop yourself from spiraling into a pit of despair every time a potential lover turns you down or a new job prospect chooses another client over you?
Did you know that J. K. Rowling had her Harry Potter books rejected by twelve publishers before they hit the big-time? 302 companies allegedly turned down Walt Disney for funding before getting it for Disney World. Over a thousand restaurant owners rejected Colonel Sanders’ fried chicken recipe.
How different would things be if these people stopped at the first hurdle, and let rejection stop them from trying again? Their experiences show that it is not about what happens to you, but about how you respond to rejection.
There are practical steps you can take for improvement to decrease your chances of being rejected such as taking care of your appearance, learning interview or flirting skills, and building a good résumé. The most powerful tool for handling rejection is your mind. By changing the way you look at rejection, you free yourself from the pain it usually brings.
Here are the powerful ways to handle rejection:

See the Experience as a Learning Opportunity

You poured your heart and soul into that relationship, and broke up. The easy solution is to feel sorry for yourself, to wonder why you just can’t keep a great relationship, or to feel angry that the ex couldn’t see what a great asset you’d be.
See it as an opportunity to learn something instead of viewing the rejection as a negative event. You’re on the right track when you replay moments of conflict and wonder what you did wrong. Keep it realistic. Think about what you could have done better instead of thinking of what “messed things up”.
For a job interview, ask the interviewer what advice they can give you for the future. Some companies are busy and don’t have the time to answer such queries. You might receive useful feedback about what would have helped your interview.
Imagine a world that never rejected you. What would you learn about yourself?
Imagine a world that never rejected you. What would you learn about yourself? Not much! Go into a situation ready to do your best with an openness to learn instead of letting your ego take a massive blow every time you hear a “no”.
This reframe is effective. Think of it as trial and error toward your formula for success rather than “I’m putting myself out there”. If you don’t get the job, look at what you can do better next time. If you do get the job, note down what helped you. I encourage you to learn more about NLP presuppositions and get Mind-Lines for a healthy perspective on anything.
Differentiate between rejections you had control over, and rejection that was inevitable. If you propose to a married woman on your first date or ask for a job at a firm that isn’t hiring, then the rejection is a result of circumstance, not your approach. For those things you can control, think about what you can learn from this rejection, and don’t be afraid to ask for help along the way.

Get Over Perfectionism

When perfectionism is driving…Shame is always riding shotgun.Brene’ Brown, author of Rising Strong
If you’re the kind of person who spends hours getting things “just right”, it can be really hard to accept negative feedback. Imagine you’ve spend hours getting ready to go out, only to be rejected by every woman at the bar.
What’s going on? Surely you look amazing…the problem must be theirs. You tell yourself these women must all be blind, or frigid, if they can’t see how amazing you are. This kind of thinking can lead you to ignore rejection and focus on bitter, angry thoughts toward the people who rejected you.
Be careful of thoughts like “They should recognize how great a catch I am” or “It’s their fault they can’t see what I great lover I’d make”. This takes away your power to do something, and leaves the judgement in the hands of others. Nobody is perfect, and you are no exception.
Once you let go of the idea of perfection, you can start to accept criticism and rejection a little more. Rather than every woman in the bar being blind to your awesomeness, consider that you might need to re-evaluate the way you approach them.
Good writers know the danger of perfectionism. An effective way to write a book loved by Timothy Ferriss, author of three bestsellers on business and self-optimization, is to deliver sections of a book to various people early on in the process. That way feedback is given early to determine what should be edited. Any big project can be broken into small runs with some aspect of feedback to direct future actions, rather than one big delivery at the end that can setup the project for rejection because no one likes it.

Look Out for Faulty Attributions

We don’t always think clearly when we reel from the pain of rejection. Rejection can lead to illogical thoughts that drag us deeper down into depression and self-pity.
Imagine you have been on two dates with a new girl. You thought things were going well, but she cancels your third date without warning and you don’t hear from her again. Do you immediately think, “Well, she’s probably very busy. Besides, I might have put her off with all that talk about psychology.”
Psychologists found that people who make global, stable, and internal attributions are more likely to be depressed…
Not everybody is this logical. How often have you ended up thinking “I’m so unlovable! Nobody will ever want to be with me because I’m so boring/stupid/ugly. Why do chicks always reject me? I’m so useless. No wonder my friends never want to see me!”
As humans, we naturally seek order from chaos. We try to find patterns in everything, so we look at our rejection to date and imagine the same will happen in the future.
Attribution theory looks at how the way we do this affects our levels of happiness. When you imagine one rejection means nobody will ever want you, ever, you are making an unrealistic attribution. You assume one time = always; this is known as stable attribution.
What’s worse, you decide you must possess a rainbow of negative qualities that caused the rejection, and it is your own fault (internal attribution). You might start thinking of all the other aspects of your life in which you’ve been rejected (global attribution).
Psychologists found that people who make global, stable, and internal attributions are more likely to be depressed than those who use the opposite attributions. Those who realize the rejection only applies to the current situation (e.g. this one chick), there are factors beyond their own control, and this particular example is only relevant to the dating scene, are much likelier to be happy.
In moments of self-pity, you will only remember experiences that back up your theory of rejection and ignore any experiences of acceptance. This is known as confirmation bias: we selectively recall information that suits us at the time.
When you find yourself thinking like this, ask yourself what evidence you have that the same thing will happen in the future. Look at all the possible reasons you were turned down. Ask yourself whether it is logical to extend rejection in one sphere (dating) to another (friendship or jobs). Recognizing your brain’s thought patterns will help you to change them.
Cyanide and Happiness on rejection

See the Doors Rejection Can Open

Toxically shamed people tend to become more and more stagnant as life goes on. They live in a guarded, secretive and defensive way. They try to be more than human (perfect and controlling) or less than human (losing interest in life or stagnated in some addictive behavior).John Bradshaw
The first experience of major rejection can hurt if we fail to feel a reliable source of love. Perhaps your mother refused to hug you, a classmate didn’t let you join in their games, or a teacher gave you a bad grade. You learn that being turned down is bad. From then you likely tout rejection as a negative experience. Rejection is seen as something to avoid and suffer through.
Imagine you are strongly attracted to one of your friends. One day, you tell them how you feel. Your friend is surprised, and kindly says their feelings for you are platonic. You may feel awful. You put your heart on the line then were shot down.
Your friend gets with someone and, and two years later they get married. However, things don’t go as you expected. After only a few months, it seems there’s trouble in paradise – it turns out your friend is very jealous and possessive when in a relationship (a trait you can’t stand).
Soon after, you meet somebody else. They’re everything you ever wanted in a partner. You wonder why you ever felt so torn up after being rejected by your friend, and you realize your life would be very different if they hadn’t rejected you.
Rejection can sometimes be a blessing in disguise. In this scenario, without it you wouldn’t have met your wonderful new partner and you might be trying to handle your friend’s romantic jealousy. While the sting of rejection can feel bad in the short-term, realize in the long-term, it might be much better for you.
Think about the new possibilities that lie ahead of you following rejection. Move on from what has happened with a focus on what you can do now. One door may have closed, but a hundred doors are waiting for you. You are free to approach anybody else when split from a potential lover, as being turned down for a job means a wealth of new doors are waiting for you to knock.

Seek Rejection

When you hear the word “NO”, you may shut down. It can feel like a door slamming in our face. Imagine you are trying to win a new client for your business. After wining and dining them and giving your best sales pitch, they still say no. Exhausted, you feel like giving up.
Motivational speakers Richard Fenton and Andrea Waltz argue that we think about the word “no” in the wrong way. Instead of setting goals for how many “yes” answers we receive, they say we should aim for a specific number of “no” responses. Not surprisingly, their website is GoForNo.com.
If you tell yourself you will get three “yes” responses in one week, you will probably stop once you have them. If, instead, you tell yourself you won’t stop until you have received two hundred “no” responses, then two things happen:
  1. You increase the chances of hearing a yes.
  2. You come to think of “no” as something you want to hear.
Instead of panicking before a potential rejection, you anticipate it, and even feel the same as you would from a “yes”.

Don’t Take it Personally

You’re at a party and don’t know many people. You take a deep breath then approach a group of strangers. They smile and say hello, but you can tell that they don’t want to talk to you. After a few minutes, they make excuses and go their separate ways.
Bonus Tips to Heal the Pain From Rejection
  1. Go out of your way each day over the next seven days to do a nice act for someone. Bradshaw says, “Giving and receiving unconditional love is the most effective and powerful way to personal wholeness and happiness.”
  2. Focus on compassion for others and loving yourself, rather than hatred.
  3. Love is healing. Accepting Christ’s infinite source of love helped me heal.
  4. Brene’ Brown has a good Ted Talk on vulnerability. She says, “If we share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can’t survive.”
  5. Read autobiographies of famous people you respect. I recommend Open by Andre Agassi. You will frequently encounter stories of hurt. Use the experiences of others to externalize rejection as opposed to internalizing it.
A thousand scenarios play through your head. They’re going to regroup, away from you. They didn’t like you. Perhaps you weren’t charming enough, you left a bad first impression, or your energy in entering the conversation was too below theirs. It might be that your appearance put them off. You talk about it with friends later on and they give you bad advice of “just be yourself“.

Rejection can feel personal. It attacks every part of you. To you, these people were not just walking away from a stranger at a party, but from everything that makes you.

Think about it from the other people’s perspective. Perhaps they didn’t know what to do. They might have been in the middle of a personal discussion, which they didn’t want anyone else to hear. To them, you were a random person they knew nothing about.

When you put your soul into something (like summoning the courage to say hello) and lack the lessons in this article, you can feel your very core is rejected. Again, look at things from the other people’s perspective. A man who turns you down for a date might still be in love with his ex. A company who fails to get back to you might be swamped from identical mail.

It might help to think about the times you have rejected others. Have you accepted every offer of a date or had a long conversation with everyone that approached you? Have you bought something from each salesperson that stopped you on the street?

We reject people all the time, whether it’s ignoring the homeless person begging for change or forgetting to reply to a text message. It can hurt being on that side too! Let it be a lesson of compassion.

Giving and receiving rejection is a natural part of life. The most empowering thing you can do is see you have a choice in how you respond to rejection.

Criticism - The Creativity Killer ?

www.wisdomtimes.com
By Junaid Tahir
  Ideally speaking, Criticism is the act of analyzing someone or something (such as an article, video, book, product  service etc) with the intention of improving personnel, product or services. However in the day to day life, you will meet so many people criticizing with the negative intentions. For example they do this to defame, discourage and demotivate others. So it is usually used in negative sense although criticizing does not necessarily means to find fault. In this article I shall give my comments in two categories. First, when you are being criticized and second when you are criticizing:


1-  When you are being criticized:

a)    Take it positive. There is  a chance that your well wisher has rightly drawn your attention to something for which there is a dire need for improvement. If this is the case, be grateful to the person who helped you identified the aspect of improvement and move towards the corrective actions.

b)   There is a chance that the criticism is being done just to depress you. Analyze is carefully. If required, seek advice from some friend or colleague about this negative feedback. If feedback meant to be good, see point-1 else shun it right way not allowing you to disturb your peace of mind.





2-  When you are criticizing someone/something:

a)    Always remember that negative criticism results in generation of negative energies so try to criticize in a positive and encouraging manager. Do not become the 'full-stop' for someone's creativity.

b)   Whenever you are about to criticize; ask yourself whether your intention is to help assist the person or you are just going to spread negativity which will consequently result in corrosion on someone's creative skills.

c)    If you really want to criticize someone, do it in an encouraging way. Try to give your comments in multiple groups so that the person understands your feedback and segregate it easily so that he can transform your suggestions in to corrective actions.

d)   Remember the fact that the act of complaining is taking criticism to the next level which is even more damaging and dangerous. So try to remain inside the limits of criticism instead of complaints.



Having said that, there are bad mouthed people who are in habit of constant criticism, regardless of their mental comprehension of things. Be aware of them. They are polluting not only themselves but the environment as well and ultimately impacting you, your product, your skills and/or your services. They are spreading negativity. 
 

Closing my article with the famous quote that says "Instead of criticizing others, become the change you wish to see in the world"
Credit: Article Originally Appeared on DTM